Secrets
by sheenamarieanne
Summary: Blaine has been fighting his demons and had been winning for some time. Until he tripped and started losing control – of everything. Trigger warnings: depression, mentions of self-harm, suicide
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:**__ One shot. Reviews. Blangst can never hurt enough. No beta-ing done. No rereading. Completely raw. Completely real. I've been struggling with this disease for more than a decade. _

_Blaine has been fighting his demons and had been winning for some time. Until he tripped and started losing control – of everything._

**Trigger warnings: **depression, mentions of self-harm, suicide

**Prompt #399 fill**

_In which Blaine took anti-depressants in the past, stopping after he met Kurt. Takes place in I Do : In an effort to tidy up the room after they haphazardly tossed things to the ground, Kurt goes around the hotel room straitening things up. When picking up Blaine's coat a bottle falls out. Curious as to what its contents are and how he never noticed it while on top of Blaine in the car, he picks it up only to find that it's anti-depressants. Blaine has to explain that he relapsed after the break up._

**Secrets**

Kurt's POV

"Blaine?"

I pulled the pill bottle off the bed and closer to my face trying to read the rather complicated generic name written in a ridiculously tiny script.

"Are these…?"

One second he was at the foot of the bed, the next one he was right next to me and was reaching for the bottle. I was caught off guard and ended up losing grip of the orange plastic container to him. He took a couple of steps back, quickly hiding it in the side pocket of his black pants.

"It's nothing. A couple of pills I've been taking for years."

"I believe everyone knows what Prozac is and you've stopped taking them last year."

His hazel eyes gleamed with surprise.

"You get knackered after a bottle of beer. After two you start confessing." I said to answer his unsaid question. He showed me a similar container a year back after vomiting his guts out after a couple of drinks.

"I guess I've told you then, huh?"

"I guess so, after you proved that anti-depressants don't really work well with alcohol."

"Now I remember. You asked me to stop." He answered thoughtfully.

"Yes I did. You seemed fine after that."

"Depression is a chronic, relapsing condition. This.. this isn't the first time."

A stutter. Blaine never stutters. –and he was looking away too. He was avoiding my gaze on purpose. I watched the fingers of his right hand reach out to encircle on his opposite wrist, a gesture he does when he's nervous. His lower lip was caught between his teeth and he looked like he was in deep thought, probably gauging the next best thing to say.

"Is it because of me? "

"because of me, actually. Me being stupid and reckless and needy and… and.." he replied, lost in his own thoughts.

I raised an eyebrow, confused.

"Depression isn't something I can put into words, Kurt." He sounded frustrated. But I was just lost.

"If I were capable of pinpointing what hurts, I wouldn't be as fucked."

He was swearing. My Blaine never swore.

I watched him, pinned to my spot near the side lamp with my mouth partly hanging in confusion. He paced on the other end, repeatedly running a shaking hand through his hair as like he was about to pull a huge chunk of it off. At one point, he actually held a fistful of curls with his right hand and I, by reflex, took a small, clumsy step forward at the thought that he might just do it. He stopped at my movement, moving his hand down to clasp the other in front of him.

"It's not your fault. It's no one's fault I was born with an inability to cope with difficult situations."

Now it was my time to have a hard time finding my words.

"I.. I don't understand what you're saying, Blaine."

"Couples break up, people mess up, brothers fight, we don't always meet expectations. But normal people move on. I don't, Kurt. I'm not like most people."

We never really got deep enough into discussion about his pills last year. Our relationship was too young and we were just getting to know the good in each other. By the time I thought we were ready, he confessed into giving them up.

He bit on the nail of his right ring finger, another bad habit he rarely does before taking a seat at the edge of the mattress with his back to me. He ran both hands through his slightly disheveled hair before resting both near his nape with his head bowed low. He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I couldn't figure out a way to break the silence which was turning deafening.

"It started after the Sadie Hawkins thing. I was having nightmares, I was too afraid to go to sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function. One day, the world felt too heavy for me to handle. I don't even remember taking the pain killers I had left after my injury. The next thing I can recall, I had a plastic tube with charcoal in my nose and restraints on all limbs."

"You tried committing suicide." I summarized for him.

"Apparently, I did." He said gloomily. His shoulders hunched impossibly lower and he kept his back to me by the kept talking.

"It wasn't the last time either. My parents took me home a week after with my first bottle of anti-depressants but they kept them in their room, fed me one a day. The way they looked at me told me everything I needed. I was a fucking disappointment, Kurt. For a couple of months after the attack I started smoking, drinking and at one point tried a couple of illicit drugs. I gave them no choice; they had to pull me out."

"I'm sure they understood what you were going through, Blaine." He just snorted.

"How do you think would they understand something I couldn't actually put into words? Everything just fucking hurts. I just feel so fucking tired. I couldn't think of a single fucking happy thought. I would be happier if I fucking died. Again, fucked up head, remember?" He said frustrated. He turned his trunk slightly to face me for a couple of seconds before once again, looking away. I cringed. I've never heard anyone so angry. No one.

"I had to drop out of school, go into therapy, live with my parents always at my back. It was so bad that they had to require I go to a bathroom with a private nurse just to be sure I won't be drowning myself in the bowl. It was ridiculous! I felt ridiculous! I was mad at them, but I was angrier at myself."

I had no answer. So I said nothing. Surprisingly, he kept talking.

"You know what dragged me out of that impending breakdown? -The thought of having even more people shaking their heads in disappointment behind me. So I agreed with the pills, with the therapy, with the stress relieving exercises, with thinking of happy thoughts. I had to be better. In the end, I learned how to ACT I was better. That's how I got to get back to school."

"You entered Dalton."

"Yes, I did. The environment felt safe enough. At least, now I only had the demons in my head to fight against."

The pain in his voice was unavoidable and I felt my chest tighten at the thought that he has been carrying this for too long.

"You were cutting yourself." I blurted out. It was a sudden realization. Months back, we were watching a documentary on an Oprah rerun regarding self-injurers and he flipped after I made a comment on how self-injurers do it to get attention.

"How did you…?"

"Oprah, remember? And the never ending arguments we have about keeping the lights on when fooling around."

"I never cut where it could be visible."

"That's why you cut your thighs. They are rough under my fingertips. I was stupid not to realize up until now!" I exclaimed mostly out of frustration towards my own insensitivity.

I took a deep breath, gathering the courage I need before taking the few steps towards his edge of the bed. I placed one hand on each of his shoulders and waited for him to look up and catch my gaze.

"I won't lie, I don't completely understand. But I could see, hear and feel your pain, Blaine. That makes it real enough."

He broke our eye contact but made no move to pull away from my touch.

"I've been having a bad couple of months. I'm sure it will pass. It always did." He said in a low voice but I wasn't convinced.

"You'll get help. I'll be right here for you. But for the most part, you'll have to help yourself too."

"I know." He placed both hands on his knees and pushed himself up to a standing position before walking towards the side table to grab his coat.

".. and Kurt?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you. For listening."


	2. Author's Notes

This is a response to a review written by Poetry and Music which reads:

_Just curious, why the hell would you try to convince someone to stop taking their anti-depressants? Seriously, depression is a screw up in the chemistry of your brain. Anti-depressants fix it. No sane person would try to get someone to stop their anti-depressants. It's like begging for a suicide attempt. Ya know? Overall, good story. I just feel like you didn't take the time to research what you were writing about._

__i was going to just rid of the comment but since it's now allowed here, I'll just post an answer to it.

I didn't have to do the research, it was all about me to be honest. I've been suffering from depression for over 10 years (I'm 26) so I do know how it is to be a teenager and to be depressed. It sucks and the Blaine in this story knows it. Kurt wasn't asking him to get off the pills. He was just surprised that he was back at them after they broke up. For all he knows, he has 'fixed' Blaine. But the truth is, there is no 'fixing' in depression. It's a chronic imbalance of neurotransmitters responsible for mood regulation in your brain.

Kurts's reaction is similar to what I have received from family and from friends. It made me feel ashamed of my disease. It has forced me to keep my depression a secret. I had , for years pretended to be better and at one point , tried to get off my meds. It drove me far deeper into depression that I realized getting off of it will destroy me. But even on it, I still have my bad days. I still wake up saddened by the fact that I am still indeed, here.

It is however, not surprising to see people like Kurt in real life. People who think love could make everything better, that every disease has a cure. They are closed minded, unrealistic and maybe a little ignorant.

If you still think I know nothingt of this disease, well I guess I can't do anything about it anymore. I just felt the need to explain myself. But I understand that not many people get it. Maybe you are one of them. Maybe you just have a different view. Tha way I see it, with or without pills, depressed people feel the same: life sucks, we don't deserve anything, we are better off dead, nothing in life is worth fighting for and lastly, there is no cure.

Now that I've said my view, I hope you get a better insight to my story.

Sheena


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